Wake me up? It's only the 2nd of September!

Baby 2 is on his way!
I'm happy to meet him!
I can't believe how surprised I am, but I feel like 38 weeks snuck up on me. I guess I'm slightly nervous about labor. I want to stay at home as long as possible so I can still eat and move around without being hooked up to twelve machines in the hospital. Maybe that's why they hook you up to so many machines, to discourage you from having your whole labor in the hospital!

People keep looking at me crazy when I respond that I"m just fine and I'm not really in a rush to have this baby. They changed my due date several months ago from September 24th to September 17th based on my measurements at my ultrasound. I guess it never really sank in. For so long I was also uncomfortable telling people that I'd be out for maternity leave right as school began, so I just got in the habit of saying "the end of September". I even told people the 21st hoping that would happen. Well, now that September is here and I'm measuring right on par with the 17th, it feels a lot different.
2 weeks away different.
Holy-craziness-I-can't-believe-it's-already-coming different.

I don't know really what I'm nervous about.
Not being able to tell maybe?
"I sure hope my water doesn't break but it could any time" isn't the best feeling either.
Really, for all the women that just can't wait to have their babies by this point, can't I just take this one to full term?
I would like to have school figured out. I mean, I got a sub and I have 95% of the paperwork done (just waiting on the doctor paper to get faxed to the district). Now I just need to get a handle on how to teach these subjects so I can build lesson plans for someone else!
One more week? That'd be great.

Sure, Little Boy came two and a half weeks early, but that was me and preeclampsia. None of that so far. Not that I'm really worried. Little Boy was and is fine, no problems from coming early, just tiny at 4lbs 11 oz.  So THAT's not it.

Last night I tried out the idea that it was husbandman that I was most worried about.
While probably true, that didn't work out very well.
_____

I am worried about my husbandman. I'm tired of not being able to help him. He doesn't really know how to let me help him, or accept when I offer. Hugs and a few words he can accept. Physical help to accomplish what he needs to each day. . .. a little. Cleaning and taking care of little Boy. But I'm not really helping as much with that because being 8 months (9 months?) pregnant has made me tired super easily. Plus, I think I miss the first pregnancy when, at this point, I was being taken care of all the time, even though I didn't really need it.
Husbandman gets so stressed about everything and when I try to cope in my way-- usually talking things through or enjoying a short distraction-- it really makes him more anxious. Granted, he is doing a lot right now. He just also is making some mindless decisions. Buying expensive things makes me the most upset. Video Game escapes would be okay if they weren't for hours at a time. Didn't I watch my brother do that? and it really didn't help. Not from my view anyway.
So I'm hopeful that his appointments on Wednesday with the psychologist and on Friday with the Sleep specialist will give us some insight and plans. I just want to know SOME way to help him!!
_________

So, now I'm back to guessing at reasons why I'm nervous. Is it fear? Not exactly.
I guess I just don't know how it's going to turn out. I don't think I'm afraid it's going to fail. I am a mom and I know I will take care of my new son and love him like I have Little Boy. I don't know how it will be to take care of two at a time, but I'm sure it will work out in the end and we'll get the hang of it.
I know there will be sleepless nights and we'll have to laugh a WHOLE LOT so we can make it through without crying. I think Little Boy will actually help with that. He's so fun these days. All he wants to do is play and laugh. He struggles to learn things and gets whiney when tired and needs us still a lot, but he's also great at smiling and laughing and learning to do things on his own.

Logically, if I rule out every possible reason to be nervous, will the nervousness go away??

Distraction will have to win out for now, since Little Boy is waking up from his nap. I'll need to wake up his dad from his nap, too. And we all should be on our way up to the Homestead for Labor Day games (badminton and croquet) and dinner.

For now, I think I need to focus on a way to not freak out into hysterics if my water breaks before the 21st. Especially if it happens this week. (Please say it won't!) But even if it does, at least at the end I'll get to hold a sweet new baby boy. :)

Man, pregnancy does some crazy things to your brain!

Thanks for reading anyway. ;)

It's so easy to convince myself that I have no one I can turn to but God. I know He's always there, but I also know I'm not always in tune with the spirit. The worst of times find me so upset at others, and then in turn so much more with myself, that I don't think I'm in any conditions to receive revelation, peace or blessings. Then hopelessness leads to more feeling alone.

Of course, checking Facebook does nothing to help- nothing on the internet does, really. When you're alone, looking at such removed human interaction does nothing, either help you feel a part of things or to satiate any need for human reassurance. 

At that point I try to turn back to God and look for peace or help, only to feel at a loss as to what I could even ask for. 

And then my baby cries again, or it's time to make dinner and I resign myself to being alone, without a friend to call and cry to, and only guiltier that I am not only failing at motherhood and wifehood, but also sisterhood and friendships. When did I let everything go? 

But I'll comfort the child, and hope that comfort will one day find me, since I've lost my way to finding it on my own. 

Trying to Help

I’m watching him drown but he won’t grab the rope.

He might want to escape, but he has no ways to cope.

So he slips and he trips

He crawls but he falls

He loses his grip

And he pulls down the walls

As he sinks even further, in darkness he hides

From me, from himself, from the goodness inside

“They’d be better off without me” he lies

To himself, to that voice that keeps holding him down,

As he wishes for ways to hide underground.

So he slips and he trips

He crawls but he falls

He loses his grip

And he puts up more walls

To hide from mistakes: Maybe one, maybe two

Enough to condemn if you think that it’s true

That terrible doubting, there’s nothing to do

So why keep on trying? Why wonder? Why wait?

If that’s all there is, why leave it to fate?

So he slips and he trips

He crawls but he falls

As he loses his grip

I look down from the walls

I know that I can’t lift him out of that place

But I wish he could just feel the sun on his face

Feel the warmth, feel the hope, feel some sort of relief

‘cause I know that it’s not half as bad as he thinks

But he leans on the ground and he sinks and he sinks

Then I’m watching him drown but he won’t grab the rope

He might want to escape, but he’s losing his hope. . .